The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.