I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
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My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.