When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
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“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
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