*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
You Might Also Like
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation