Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
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FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.