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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Who.
Did.
This?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.