For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
buys donuts instead
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.