Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.