Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
You Might Also Like
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”