When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
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Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
started wrapping my pills in cheese
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.