THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
How about daylight saves us for once
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
i’m still crying at this
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
OH. COME. ON.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.