high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.