The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Life is a suicide mission.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people