People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
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[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[eats all your cotton candy]
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.