Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
You Might Also Like
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Mood.. 😂
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.