major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.