Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Is anyone gonna tell them?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.