My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Unexpected Judgment
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize