i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.