At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.