Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
How high do the levels go?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else