Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
What about second breakfast?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Life cycle of cat