My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.