Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Fight
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money