companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
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Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.