Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
They’re really bad with fonts.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
the composer
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’