I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV