Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
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I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
bears
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]