(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Hot Panini is in big trouble
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge