[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Dudes named Chance never had one.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.