[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
love it when they get my name right
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..