Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge![]()
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
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My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn