Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.