I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
President The Rock Obama
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“He’s back what do I do?”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.