Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
This trial is so absurd 😭
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I am thick and tired. 🙄
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
remember
only for emergencies
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m listening
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.