A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here