*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Cheers Twitter.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.