Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT