As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
The Compass
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
He’s dead
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo