Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
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On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years