BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
remember
only for emergencies
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.