some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.