the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
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Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.