It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
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Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*