Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Hotels are back
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now