need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
🤯🤯🤯
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
*limbos under the caution tape
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors