[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings