Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?