If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
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a fate I wish upon no one
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*