Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
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I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
uncle dave has been through hell
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Cheer up.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
They got Raph!
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?