uncle dave has been through hell
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.