Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.