Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot